A genuine critique on the joviality of the festive season and its consequences

Lets face it Christmas has been shoved down our throats and especially our Ears since Boxing day, we're constantly bombarded with the image of snow and rosy faced kids all happy while the family gather around a lovely golden turkey.

The Reality is that the parents have bankrupted themselves on a piece of plastic Vomit that cost £100 just because it has High School Musical written on it, the family hate each others guts and the turkey...isn't.

While I'm feeling festive the winner of the worlds worst tree went to my Hometown. Apparently some Eco-mentalist thought it would be great to plant a shrubbery in the middle of the village, surround it with a metal frame and stick some gaudy lights around it. The result was an international laughing stock.

Nobody wants a tree that grows, nobody is going to be stood around it in 6 months time going "Ooo our tree is reet canny" as a result tragically the tree was destroyed by vandals, this made me angry, had they done it this weekend I'd have won a bet and be slightly richer.

The whole Saga of the tree proved a few things:

#1 Sacriston Parish Council shouldn't be allowed to run a public convenience, let alone a village of 3000

#2 Someone is willing to pay £125 for a stump (Methinks the council is on the fiddle, then again this is the Village Kevan Jones MP has made his home (No 2nd home joke today) and if that useless corrupt piece of pond life lives here then it's a good bet.

The Tree did one thing though it united the village that usually only unites during a riot. But once again it would be like polishing a turd in that place as long as the ASBO squad live there it will and always be a black spot.

So Back to Christmas and the other main tradition is the battle for the Number one spot.
A position usually dominated by the 'X Idol who has talent' show, the winner of which has the personality of beige painted blown vynl wallpaper and the voice of a seal with its nuts trapped in a bear trap, who only won because he was "From here like." I Imagine if Osama had been from Bensham would people on 9/12 been saying "Aye he may have blawn the buildins up but e's from 'round here man, ya canna hate a blowke from 'ere."

Much Like last year the great satan, Facebook has launched a campaign to top the charts with Rage Against the Machine and 'Killing in the Name of,' a great festive song. Simon Cowell has come out and said in interviews that it is a hate campaign against him.

RATM been Number 1 isn't a slight on Simon. It IS a slight on the manufactured shit dribble down the back of the leg he continues to trot out year after year with the Exception of Leona Lewis the rest have faded into obscurity (Alexandra is only memorable now because instead of her fading away in March they kept her out the limelight until the Autumn so she fades away as Joe 'Beige' Mcshite takes over.

So Christmas Becomes a dissapointment, instead of snowy landscapes and warm yuletide spirit, you wake up in a freezing house open Presents that no matter how great they are never quite seem to fill the gaping hole in your soul, eat dinner, sleep then go to bed wondering 'Was that it?'

Oh and to Iceland RE: the Nolan sister

Stop

Just Stop.

Mam incase you see this I can't wait to come back and open my presents that Will fill the hole this year, just no tricks with boxes of pans this year mmmmmmkay.

Midlife at 22. So much for my 45th birthday

While looking for Icelandic Reggae music I came across my old Myspace page. Reading back I realised two things. My God I'm an arse and secondly, how the hell did I not have a stress induced stroke. Realising this questions started racing through my head.

Did that Fat charv read my blog and go on a diet?

Did that bus driver end up killing himself? and did that twat in the Vauxhall get laid?

More importantly what happened to me? I appear to have slipped into a coma of content a routine so monotonous it's outlawed by the Geneva convention, don't get me wrong things still piss me off and I'm determined to finally solve what makes us stupid (Ant and Dec seem to be the gatekeepers to the answer)

Has things worked out how I wanted them, sure Sunderland University (HAH!) have seriously fucked that one up but thats the price of going to a University in a city composed of neanderthals and gobshite 8 year olds. Speaking of which, how many kids have fucking rattails or mullets. Its like a Rod Stewart village of the fucking damned.

At what point did I decide to just live in a world of repetation, getting up, going on the internet, eating then bed, when did I decide to just exist and to not Live, when did I decide that Pubs are more me and not the fast paced thrill ride that is a night clubbing in sunderland.

You may be thinking *Yawn* who cares or the more caring of you will be thinking "You got all that from Myspace, All i got off there was epilepsy from the shitty profiles?"

Well it wasn't all Myspace. Last night I was on the Xbox with a mate from College and I haven't had that much fun in years. It reminded me of who I was, the type of person who goes online been part 2 of 3 of the clan Paedos 'R' Us shout at Americans then leave.

So I've decided to become the offensive Brash lovable gobshite who has an opinion of everything that people loved so much and not this middle aged coma patient who is living his own personal version of Groundhog day.

Mid-midlife over. Bring on the rage!
Izzy may have escaped finding me dead from a stroke, Lets see if Kat does.

I've seen the end of the world. And it's Facebook

Facebook, turns out it is massive. Everyone including your mum has it and yes I know, it is a mortal embarrassment.

Unfortunately this means it's a magnet for the weirdos, cretins and fools that inhabit the darkest recesses of the internet. You see them everywhere; burberry twats looking like a cross between the village idiot and VickyPollard using words like "it wz propa metal innit" for those not fluent in tosser that means "it was very mad....innit."

It's not just the mentalists and the absence of Vowels that make facebook the arse crack of the world as it is the site itself, Facebook began life as a Harvard version of Hot or Not, originally wanting to compare students to Animals but the founder, Mark Zuckerberg couldn't find a way to do that (He should have given it a few years then, then again the Hot option would die of boredom.)

Facebook became one of the fastest growing social networking sites overtaking MySpace which by then was the number 1 cause of epileptic fits by way of the hideous profiles and the number 2 cause of Vertigo thanks to the rather shitty profile pictures

Facebook has undergone 1 radical change and the mouth breathers immediately began to protest with around 800,000 joining the 800,000 different groups protesting about the new change. An number dwarfed recently when Facebook dared to make the news feed simpler with a whopping 1,314,647 members, then again Poo has over 3000, yes the love of all things scatological has over 3000 people commenting on how soft and mushy it can be, and their favourite kind (for the record, nice and hard, minimal wiping,)

But this isn't why I dislike Facebook, although I would like to state I originally did like it but then small things started to annoy me. For me it is the rather stalkerish way Facebook is now. Pictures of people you know with "SEND THEM A MESSAGE!" written under it making you feel like if you don't something bad will happen. At this point I find myself shouting at the computer that "I don't want to send them a message! you can't make me send a message!" then strangely exclaiming YOU'RE NOT MY MOTHER!"

The other thing is the way it's trying to start a Lemming mentality, oh that prick who dropkicked you 8 years ago is a fan of 'getting rimmed in Prison' followed by the delightful order BECOME A FAN. I wonder how many people actually read the group name or bother to check it out before joining, take a look at your groups, I bet you find one you don't want to be a member.

Finally photos. If you know me (As this will end up on my facebook you will) you will know I hate my Photo being took. But that doesn't stop my ugly Mug getting plastered over the internet more times than Tiger woods get a hole in one (controversial.)

I have to end this now that speccy Kid who played with himself at the back of Math class has joined a group about Piss. I must join it. For Facebook has ordered me to. Innit.